Living With Depression
I suffer from clinical chronic depression. I have lived with this condition for most of my life and this is the first time I have admitted it. You can find the symptom list from a simple web search, but it does not really describe what it is truly like to live with this condition. I intend to describe what it's really like in this post.
Most people know what it's like to get depressed. You lose a loved one, go through a breakup, or something of similar magnitude. Most people will get mildly depressed while grieving this loss. Then after a while they find ways to be happy again. Ways to move on with their life. With the passage of time most depression passes and people move on. Not me, or anyone like me.
I can't say for certain when my depression started. Maybe it was when I was a child and was uprooted from everything I knew to move across the country or a few years later having the same thing happen again. Maybe it was when I was a teenager and lost my best friend in a car antecedent. Maybe it was when I lost my first child. Maybe it was when I lost a couple more children. Maybe it was when my grandma died. Maybe it was when my mom died. Maybe it was when I lost my dad just a year later. Maybe it was when I left the mother of my children after 15 years together. Maybe it started long before I can remember and everything I've been through just added to it. Maybe it's just part of who I am. Maybe I have never known true happiness.
No matter when my depression started I know it has gotten better and worse through the many years I have been alive. There have been times when I almost felt happy but in the back of my mind I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Waiting for everything to fall apart. There have also been times when I didn't feel I had a reason to live. I have never attempted suicide though I have been on the brink a few times. Unless you have been there I don't think there is any way you could understand what that is really like.
This thing that has been labeled as depression always felt more like a void. Like I'm just a shell with nothing inside. I have went through most of my life feeling like a robot just going through the motions. It's almost like I get burnt out on emotion. I feel too much for too long and my brain just shuts that part down. I have fallen in love a few times. Love so deep and consuming I lose myself in it's embrace. I have never fallen out of love. I still love everyone I have ever loved. No matter how bad the breakup, how hateful the person has become, no matter how distant they now are. I still love them just the same. I still feel the loss as if it happened yesterday. I still feel the loss of my friend, my children, my grandma, my parents, and every loss I have had just as if all of them had happened last night. At times it gets to be too much and I just force myself to go through each day. Counting it as a small victory every time I wake up. I survived another day.
One thing most people don't think of when they talk about depression is the anxiety that normally comes with it. I have always felt socially awkward. This leads to anxiety meeting new people. Even makes it difficult to maintain relationships with friends and family. I always think I'm going to say or do the wrong thing. Make everyone hate me if they don't already. I have come to the conclusion that if I always tell the truth then the consequences don't matter. Since most people can't handle blunt unfiltered honesty it tends to drive people away. That helps with the anxiety but not with the depression.
Depression is not an easy thing to live with. When you have no motivation, energy, or will to do anything besides wake up in the morning. Living is the challenge and being happy just don't seem like an option.
Those of you who know me in person may now have a better understanding of who I really am. Those of you that don't, maybe you know someone just the same. Maybe you are the same. The only words of wisdom I can give for living with depression is do not give up. Do not give in. You are stronger than you think.
Most people know what it's like to get depressed. You lose a loved one, go through a breakup, or something of similar magnitude. Most people will get mildly depressed while grieving this loss. Then after a while they find ways to be happy again. Ways to move on with their life. With the passage of time most depression passes and people move on. Not me, or anyone like me.
I can't say for certain when my depression started. Maybe it was when I was a child and was uprooted from everything I knew to move across the country or a few years later having the same thing happen again. Maybe it was when I was a teenager and lost my best friend in a car antecedent. Maybe it was when I lost my first child. Maybe it was when I lost a couple more children. Maybe it was when my grandma died. Maybe it was when my mom died. Maybe it was when I lost my dad just a year later. Maybe it was when I left the mother of my children after 15 years together. Maybe it started long before I can remember and everything I've been through just added to it. Maybe it's just part of who I am. Maybe I have never known true happiness.
No matter when my depression started I know it has gotten better and worse through the many years I have been alive. There have been times when I almost felt happy but in the back of my mind I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Waiting for everything to fall apart. There have also been times when I didn't feel I had a reason to live. I have never attempted suicide though I have been on the brink a few times. Unless you have been there I don't think there is any way you could understand what that is really like.
This thing that has been labeled as depression always felt more like a void. Like I'm just a shell with nothing inside. I have went through most of my life feeling like a robot just going through the motions. It's almost like I get burnt out on emotion. I feel too much for too long and my brain just shuts that part down. I have fallen in love a few times. Love so deep and consuming I lose myself in it's embrace. I have never fallen out of love. I still love everyone I have ever loved. No matter how bad the breakup, how hateful the person has become, no matter how distant they now are. I still love them just the same. I still feel the loss as if it happened yesterday. I still feel the loss of my friend, my children, my grandma, my parents, and every loss I have had just as if all of them had happened last night. At times it gets to be too much and I just force myself to go through each day. Counting it as a small victory every time I wake up. I survived another day.
One thing most people don't think of when they talk about depression is the anxiety that normally comes with it. I have always felt socially awkward. This leads to anxiety meeting new people. Even makes it difficult to maintain relationships with friends and family. I always think I'm going to say or do the wrong thing. Make everyone hate me if they don't already. I have come to the conclusion that if I always tell the truth then the consequences don't matter. Since most people can't handle blunt unfiltered honesty it tends to drive people away. That helps with the anxiety but not with the depression.
Depression is not an easy thing to live with. When you have no motivation, energy, or will to do anything besides wake up in the morning. Living is the challenge and being happy just don't seem like an option.
Those of you who know me in person may now have a better understanding of who I really am. Those of you that don't, maybe you know someone just the same. Maybe you are the same. The only words of wisdom I can give for living with depression is do not give up. Do not give in. You are stronger than you think.
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